It just can't be.

Perfection is only an illusion. It is an illusion we often try to create to seem uncomplicated and desirable. Who doesn't want to be seen that way? Available for any attractive opportunity that comes our way.. Why not? Illusions don't last. Eventually the fog fades and the sun comes out, and what seemed to be a real person, turns out to be an oddly shaped tree whose leaves whisper with the wind softly enough to sound like true words.

Jacob is not real. He simply can't be. I am extremely skeptical of everything. People don't usually ever end up being the very thing you dream up in your head every night before you go to sleep. Life doesn't allow those opportunities. I don't get those opportunities. I asked someone again today if he was married. Their answer was no. Which lead into a question of the implication of me asking that. Had I been seduced by a married/taken man? Yes.

My life isn't a fairy tale. The dark haired-blue eyed guy of my dreams doesn't show up in my favorite coffee shop in scrubs and a black hooded jacket. He doesn't spot me across the room and immediately come up to me. He will certainly never love Wait Wait Don't Tell Me, or Radio Lab. He will never love to read and theorize every piece of the the world that makes sense to him. He doesn't do silly fun things like box or fence just for the fun of it. He doesn't tell me I am beautiful or compliment my favorite shoes. He doesn't notice the way I bite my lips or push the hair out of my eyes. So, do I need to be medicated? He came in to my favorite coffee shop; he had blue eyes. He saw me, and drew near. He had scrubs on, he had a gentle voice and a contagiously adorable laugh. He sat in front of me and told me all about an episode of Radio Lab, and convinced me to give him my trust. He made my heart skip a beat when he told me I am beautiful and that he likes the way I radiate. He came in impressed my friends within minutes and played footsie with me while doing so. He tries.. to impress me. He theorizes little crazy things about life and he definitely loved my favorite shoes. He reads about crazy things, and he sees more in me then I see in myself. I do need medication, don't I? There is no real Jacob, is there?

He still has yet to ask me out on a date. Says he plays things slow. No text messages or phone calls. He just shows up. If he is real, and his only down side I won't talk to him until I see him, I can deal. I am here, at my favorite coffee shop, and I have to know that he won't be showing up today. I am not heart broken or waiting impatiently. Just here, with a little hope mixed in with a lot of worry about my mental stability.