My hero.

I did it. AGAIN.

I stalked him... Sort of. I couldn't get a hold of him, and I had a terrible night (Jd sending me dozens of text messages calling me a whore and telling me I was the worst thing that ever happened to him. I was maddened, I was stressed out, and I was angered. So, I tried to call Jake, and when he didn't answer... I drove over there.

You see.. Here was my logic.. We are together, in a relationship of sorts, and if he showed up at my place needed a hug and some tears wiped away - I would be happy to be there. Here is where my logic wasn't - it was eleven - fucking - thirty at night. I had a huge glass of wine while taking a bath. And I was emotionally out of control.

When I got to his place, I was just planning on knocking if I saw a light on.. Driving home if I didn't. That's what I did. What I didn't expect - my alarmed "boyfriend" pulling a gun out of his safe and loading it in 10 seconds (and putting on pants) before unlocking the door - to be tired and confused and mildly irritated that I had cause such an alarming reaction.

It turned out well though, after the gun was put away. He calmed my saddness, my crazy, my nerves, and calmed me so much that I slept through the night effortlessly. He kissed me so much I thought my lips were going to fall off this morning. I looked sad for a moment so he made it his morning goal to kiss me happy. It worked. :)

He.Really.Just.Likes.Me.

To top all of this off.. The moment I began to doubt - to think.. Maybe he is going to think about how ridiculous I am for coming over at 11:30, scaring him, and then bursting into tears on his porch - and then just say... This chick is crazy man, I'm out. But right there, in that moment.. A text. I checked my phone... thinking it was Angie, and it wasn't. It was him. Telling me he hoped I had a better day.

Oh just stop it already.

So, I was talking to my grandmother tonight. Who pretty much flat out told me I am being ridiculous and dramatic. Um. Thanks Grandma. I was filling her in on everything. She of course asked about date night, and I told her everything. I believe my last sentence was - "I mean, we are doomed - you can't fall in - and out- and back into love in a year that is obnoxious. So, I'm just waiting for him to call me and say - I'm sorry - but it's over." This resulted in "Oh just stop it already - you are being ridiculous and dramatic. You're dating a goodlooking older guy who really likes you - just go with it."

Um, right? I think I may be setting up some sort of defense mechanisms to protect myself. By not getting overly excited or feeling super in love - I won't get as disappointed. But that doesn't always work - and it kind of kills the mood when I do see him. I'm not as eager or open to him. Am I ever going to just be able to go with it? Or am I going to be torturing myself?

Grandma has a point. I guess I need to learn how to do this whole "going with it thing".

Is Jacob working tonight?

I've said it before, and I will say it again. Dating someone inside of a community setting that you are always in, is a strange beast. I was just asked twice whether or not Jake was working tonight, or planning on coming into Lux. Whether Jake says so or not - I am his girlfriend. Everyone here has already granted me that title.

I am tired tonight. My body is sore and my mind is fried - so forgive me for any rants that occur.

Last night was a perfect night. Jake showed up in nice jeans - a black button-down shirt and a tie. A freaking tie. How damn adorable is that? It was sweet, it was a genuine gesture of how much he thought about the date and the effort he put into it. :) We walked over to dinner - the cute pizza place right by my house, and had a great evening. The conversation started out depressing - he was talking about his parents near death experiences and his Aunt who needs help. I tried to give as much input as I could, but he is a lot older and at a completely different life stage than me. Eventually the conversation flipped to him and us and what we are. This all came about because I mentioned something about how I feel he withholds a lot of his life from me. This got into a whole conversation over why he withholds. Apparently every instinct I had about him was right - all the good and all the bad. I knew he couldn't have had amazing intentions with me, and he didn't. He has been in a series of relationships - each of which he sabotages by the 3rd date. He didn't think he would like me as much as does. I also knew that the connection we had was real and genuine. I knew he was a good guy, but didn't want to care about me - much less any other girl.

Every gut feeling I have had about him has been dead on. Crazy right?

Well the conversation continued. He offended me accidentally by saying that I always look at him like I want more from him. I went off. I was beyond upset. I have done everything in power to show him the exact opposite. I have been patient, kept my mouth shut, held back from texting/calling him to give him space, and I've never asked for anything more than him to do what he says he will. So yeah, I was fucking pissed. I felt like everything I had been trying so hard to do was a waste of time and energy. He immediately apologized. He felt terrible. He said that wasn't what he meant. It just seemed like I wanted more of a commitment out of him. My response? No. I don't. The only thing I wanted from him was honestly, reliability, and fun. I have never expected to even be with him this long. I enjoy every second of time that I get with him. I mean what could I tell him? It was the truth. He is the mash to my potato and I would give up everything in the world to spend a little more time with him. Do I expect more? No. Do I want more? No, but only because the more I get from him the more severely broken my heart is going to be when this is all said and done. We won't last. He won't fall in love with me. And I am well aware of that. Sad? Sadistic? Maybe. But maybe it's as hopelessly romantic as you can get.

He seemed happier, even more relaxed than he ever has been after our talk. Me on the on the other hand - I felt terrified. The guy was in love with someone for two years ( that was a year ago), and has been dating random girls off and on ever since then. Sleeping with God knows how many women. I am a fucking idiot. He is never going to stay with me. I need to keep evaluating things. It's hard because I can't just withdraw with out him noticing. He sees everything. It would just hurt him and cause more problems than solutions. I am on his side, and I want good for him - I want him to be happy so much that I am willing to compromise my own happiness in the process. I really am crazy.

Finally.

I am finally allowing myself to be excited. Sitting here at Lux, I am officially stoked. I have a date tonight. My date is planning everything. I look ever so good, and I am finally relaxed and excited. He's proving himself little by little. Proving to be reliable, proving to be good, proving that he really likes me.

So I am excited. So excited that my stomach is doing flips. Trying to decide what to wear and how to do my hair. I am nervous, but only because I can't wait to spend time with him. No idea what we are doing tonight either. I only know that tonight... it's us.

The Best Feeling Ever.

So, I had a teensy weensy melt down the other night. I thought I was going to have more of a melt down, but It wasn't that bad for once. I was frustrated - mostly because I missed the nose kisses, the "jerk-ass" jokes, and Jake's hands brushing the hair out of my eyes. Jake seems to have this uncanny ability to hold on to his idea of me and our relationship - the passion, the care, and the closeness - for days - maybe over a week. I can't. After day 4, I am usually trying to remember whether or not he still likes me.

So this little meltdown started over nothing... And it snowballed. I only cried once, and I stayed super focused at work - so really I did well. I am still second guessing though.

Last night though, getting his text messages, hearing how much he missed me, and having him almost attack me when he walked in the door (hugging, smelling, kissing me) was the best. Watching him devour the pie I made him, cuddling up close to him all night, and waking up to a perfectly beautiful windy day was amazing. It was more than I could have ever asked for. We layed there snuggled up in bed, under the covers, with the windows wide open, listening to the wind blow, and not saying anything. It was great. It was the best feeling ever. SO relaxed, so perfectly fitting. It didn't even bother me when he left ever so quickly. He left with the promise of a date tomorrow.

We are growing. We are growing so much, and we fit together so well.. It's comforting. It's exciting. I still think he is going to break my heart.. But I don't think that will happen anytime soon. He may be my Cary Grant.. But I seem to be the Audrey to his charm.

Can't Walk the Walk - Don't Talk the Talk.

I hate it when people tell me they will do something, and then they don't. Absolutely hate it. Whether you are my best friend, that cute guy I am seeing, or my mother - just don't do it. I won't make plans with you, or tell you I will call if I am not planning on it. It's a rarity if it happens, and when it does I always call and apologize profusely. It doesn't matter what the circumstances or situation is - if you bail on someone and don't call to apologize then you flat out show that person that they mean nothing to you. Their existence in your life is merely dependent on whether or not something else better comes along - like a pair of shoes or other plans.

I am tired of this happening in my life. I fear that I may have to let go of the Cary Grant I thought I found and a few close friends to save myself from being hurt. I don't want flaky, shallow people in my life. Period.

Jake is a great guy. He is funny, witty, charming, irresistible, and very fun to be around, BUT I can't take another cancel or forgotten phone call. I won't. I have had a lot of disappointment with people in my life and I make it clear to those around me that I expect you to do what you say. I always clarify as well - "Ok, so I will hear from you tomorrow" or "Ok, so Wednesday at 8 O'clock right?". Jake is supposed to call tonight. I have no idea if he will or won't. If he doesn't, then I am done. No more phone calls or texts from me playing "Mrs iCal." I shouldn't have to remind a grown man of what he said he would do. I swear - he is amazing in every other way shape and form. He's just so flaky that I can't seem to enjoy him when he is in front of me. It causes so much insecurity and questions for me. Like does he really care? or am I just that girl that he's sleeping with and pretending to date so he can get my amazing enchiladas and some quirky entertainment?

I need to be strong. Stronger than I have been. I've learned a lot in the last few years, a lot about myself, relationships, and being a genuinely good person. I refuse to compromise any of that. So. there it is. We are supposed to spend all day Monday together, and I can promise you that will not happen if there is no call tonight - unless I receive a huge apology within 24 hours. I am reasonable, sweet, and caring - I just don't want to be walked on either.

Goodbye...

So, I was at lux last night. Just like any other night. Kristen came and met me here. I brought Ronnie some left over Postino's and joked with Sammy about his hatred for tomatoes. Just as I was telling Kristen that I couldn't possibly be any happier.. He walked in. My heart stopped for a second. It's like in the 8 hours that I hadn't seen him, I some how forgot how handsome he is.

Jake's face at me was priceless.. I was the only girl in that coffee shop he wanted to see and the grin on his face showed explicitly. Kristen left just after, and he came right over and sat down next to me. greeted me with a sweet kiss, and said "Well.. I am off to California.."

WHAT?! My heart dropped for a second. Family issues with his brother's family needed attention and he was dropping everything to fly out there for a week or so and help. He is such a good and sweet guy. I just smiled and kissed him. Told him we better make out like highschoolers in the parking lot before he left, and we did. I asked if he would call in a few days and he kissed my nose and said it would be sooner.

Couple of notable things here:

#1. He's is incredibly handsome.

#2. He's good. Genuinely good.

#3. The nose kisses are the best thing in the world.

#4. I love making out like teenagers in the Lux parking lot.

#5. I am actually comfortable, not nervous or scared FOR THE FIRST time with a guy I am dating leaving town.

#6. Impressed. I am impressed with him. He is impressed with me for that matter.

#7. The feeling of everyone at lux knowing that we are dating is actually pretty darn nice.

#8. I really am VERY happy.