One. Two. Three. Four.

Goals.

I think that I can do this. The more I think about this.. It is about commitment. It could have a lot to do with his previous marriage, and it could also just be that he's a typical guy.

I need to learn casual dating. I need to learn how to go with the flow. His flow doesn't involve plans or my schedule at all. His flow requires my patience, my understanding, and my sweet disposition. I think I can do this.. I just need to take it one day at a time. If this is going to work out, then it will. If he wants to see me, then he will figure it out - busy or not. I think between yoga, moving, figuring out what it is I want will just come eventually. I think a little less time around Lux, and a little more time out and about. :)

The thing that I think I am going to take this as for now is a comfort. Jake has opened my eyes to what I want and can get in a relationship. Now he is giving me the ability to learn how to relax. I know he likes me, yet the space, non commitment, and casual dating gives me a chance to stretch out and be me.

It's time to go find that couch.

The Short Road to Crazy.

I signed for my first apartment today. I can't believe how insanely exciting it is. My very own space. My dishes. My cups. My wine. My couch. My SPACE. A place for quiet, relaxation, cooking, dancing, making out, and all kinds of good. It isn't huge, but it's big enough. I am more than excited for this. I already bought my huge mirror, utensils, a lamp, and some other goodies. It will be epic.

As exciting as moving out is, my main event for this weekend has been slightly squandered. Jake and I were supposed to have a lazy day together. It's all we have talked about for the last two weeks : Me, him, eating, kissing, running, reading and sleeping... For a whole day (or a half of a day.) The idea disintegrated with a phone call around 4 stating that he wouldn't be able to make it.. A buddy from Iraq was in town.

We are going to try for part of saturday, but honestly who knows. I just feel like I can't get excited any more. I just don't get it. Callie and I talked for a little while about casual dating, and it is casual dating.. Except for the fact that he's called it a relationship several times. I feel like when he said "I sort of think I make girls go crazy" that I probably should have ran the other direction. When he is standing right in front of me - I am so positive that he is crazy about me. The way he looks at me, his kisses, his touch, it's nothing short of true admiration. The moment we separate it's like we cross some sort of magnetic field and I am the one that gets shocked when I try to cross it.

When we talked the other night he laid it all out, he likes spending time with me. He likes talking with me, cuddling with me, holding my hand, and just being us. So, what happens when he leaves? Am I just forgettable? He says we are in a relationship, and he won't just toss me to the side... But yet breaking plans with me comes so easily. I need to sleep on this.. Tired and trying to make sense of crazy doesn't really work.

Rain.

I love the rain. I love it so much that I could marry it. Spend all day every day with it. The smell, the sound, the cold air, and wet face - I could spend every day like this.

Sitting at my favorite coffee shop right now, contemplating my move. It's coming up soon. I need to choose. I want to move the first Weekend in January. It is quiet in here tonight. My mind is quiet tonight. Yoga calmed every nerve in my body and the lovely conversation with Jake left me with out a doubt in my mind. I am tired though, breathing well, thinking clearly, and for once - just being.. Once again looking oh so cute, and slightly hoping he will show up out of no where to hear my good news and tell me how pretty I look. :-) Wishful thinking.. But a girl can dream. Gym tonight, running in the AM down Central Ave, errands on my lunch, and hoping for a call for a date tomorrow night. :) If not - It's nursing application time, possible Bikram Yoga, and more reading.

Hopefully this rain keeps up.. It's rather inspiring.

I like you.

So, it's not uncommon knowledge. I've dated losers. I have chased loser after loser after loser. I don't know what it's like to be... chased. My reality is being the pursuer, and my fantasy is being pursued. Therefore I am extremely skeptical of any type of genuine interest in me. Nate started everything off by reading me like a book, ripping out some of my pages, and making me chase after him for them. He drove me mad. Chris never knew me, never understood me, he never tried. He just knew what to say to sound like he cared, and played off of my insecurities. JD never really thought I was pretty, and tried to turn me into his perfect woman. Didn't nourish my need for intelligent conversation and refused to be polite to my friends. It smothered me.

Last night, after I INSANELY stalked Jake (aka: I showed up at his house unannounced, because I hadn't heard from him for 2 days and Sammy and Luke scared the BEJESUS out of me. ), he took my face in his hands, kissed my forehead, and said this "You are a sweet girl, who has dated really big jerks who lied to you, cheated on you, and made you think that is all you are worth. You are sweet, and you deserve a nice guy. I am that nice guy. I don't ever want to hurt you or make you feel not respected. I like you." So, after I recovered from almost passing out from what I diagnosed as "heart-melting syndrome", we decided that we are a thing. It's a relationship of sorts. He's not going to call me girlfriend, and I will not call him boyfriend.. But we are "a thing". I like to think of it as "going steady". I like that. Then we talked, we sat on the couch.. and talked about school, phoenix children's, Jackson, my mom, him being a pilot (seriously. He's a Nurse, a Pilot, a Minister, And a former officer in the army.. that's hot.)

Lesson of the night: I do deserve good, and I am sweet. He's given me no reason to doubt, be scared, or go crazy with worry. He has only given me something to look forward to, and be excited about - more time getting to know him, more time looking at those bright blue eyes, and more time being ever so sweetly kissed.

Expectations.

So, it's a little rough, going from hearing from someone several times a day, to not hearing from almost anyone.

I texted Jake today, and yesterday. Heard back from him yesterday.. Not really today. I was honestly really hoping to see him tonight. He seems to be spreading out our time together more and more. It is so hard between his out of control work schedule and my lack of patience to get a grip on this thing. I need to come to the realization that I will probably never be able to control when I get to see or talk to him. He told me straight up that he did not want a girlfriend right now. Maybe I am being to forward? The thing is that I am so obsessive complusive that I always need to know what my expectations should be. With this, I feel like I need to have NO expectations. That is sort of disappointing. I don't know that I can do that. I mean, be with a guy and have him dote on you and tell you how much he likes you and then... Nothing? Here is to and interesting up coming week. No clue when I will see him again or if I will see him again. All I know is that I need to go to the gym in the morning and get ready for a crazy monday at work AND NOT TEXT HIM AGAIN! Geez.

The lunch Date

Today was sort of a hard day. I woke up at Jake's house, watched him shave - then kiss me - put on scrubs - then kiss me - put on socks - then kiss me - put on one shoe - then kiss me - the other shoe - then kiss me - walk me to the door - then kiss me. Out the door and off to home. I came home, only to sleep for an hour before being woken up by Jilly climbing on top of me and asking me to get up. I got up and got ready, curled my hair and put together a cute outfit. We left to go meet J.D. for lunch. This. Was. A. Bad. Idea.

This lunch ended with JD yelling at me for betraying him in our relationship, calling me a whore because I was wearing jewelry that Jake had supposedly bought me (um really?), telling Jillian he would never get to see her again, and then crying at his car. Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. So, I went home depressed. I did cheat on him emotionally and physically - Jake stole my heart the minute he told me he wanted to take me out and discuss Radio Lab. He made my birthday the best I've ever had by dancing with me in the parking lot and kissing me on the cheek. There was nothing I could say. I knew. I knew from the moment he looked at me the way he did, that I wanted him. JD doesn't look at me like that. JD will never look at me like that. I knew, and I should have ended it then. I can't take it back, and all I could say was that I know it's the best for both of us. I knew he wasn't happy. I knew I wasn't happy.

A series of adorable texts from Jake last night took my mind off of it. Luckily, he really understood me. I told him Thursday how it made me feel to not hear from him for 3 days after our great date. I was honest, and I was direct. I said "You know, You made me second guess how great our date was Saturday. It was slightly disconcerting not to hear from you for 3 days." He seemed concerned, and I told him I didn't worry. I understood that he is 35 and used to being alone, but it just made me feel like he wasn't thinking about me. His response? "This isn't the first time a girl has hinted my communication skills are bad. I'll fix it. I like you, so I will make more of an effort." Perfect. How is he so great? How am I so able to control my emotions and be so... honest? I like it. I like him.

The Borrowed Book.

I had sushi tonight. Delicious sushi. I can't seem to give that stuff up. It's just SO good. I went to the gym on my lunch, then went to go tan. I felt so much better. I felt back in control, after all.. My instincts are great. After checking out a few apartments, I stopped by Lux and cracked open the book that Jake let me borrow. The Magicians. I love it already. It ties in with the first book in the Chronicles of Narnia.

As I was talking with my friend Aleah, I heard a text come through, glanced at my phone and started shouting. It was Jake. "Miss your pretty smile and your kisses." My response "Prove it". I think the next time I start to over analyze something - I need to be slapped. Can't worry about it the rest of the week though. With Christmas coming quickly, I have no shopping done and so much to do. Plus a pair of red scrubs to buy for PCH on Saturday!!

Desperate.

I called him. Empowerment is only about 25% lost, didn't leave too desperate of a message "Hey Jake.. It's Jess. Just left Lux from being teased about you by Ron and Sammy. So was thinking about you.. Hadn't heard from you. So, call me when you get this? Look forward to talking to you." Not desperate right? Cute, I thought. No word so far. What can you do? He knew that I knew his schedule til Tuesday at least. Crazy would be stalking/texting/calling again from this point. If he wants to talk to me, he will call..

I get this whole thing. We aren't committed, so there isn't a need to grow an emotional attachment so soon over the phone. But it would be nice to hear from him after our date. It was such a great date. "Date night" as we called it, left us both grinning for a good half hour. Well, here is to hoping. I have to get ready for the day.

State of Mind

It's hard not to worry. But it's easy to let a good feeling ride its course. I have no bad feelings about this. I am pretty confident that my new low key undemanding attitude is going to turn some heads. Or at least one. The only head I want to turn is his. As much as I would love to credit myself to this new found relaxed mode, it's not all me. I like the waiting. I like the anticipation building of not talking until we are close enough to touch one another. It is genuinely intoxicating. I really really like the idea of that. I am not just some girl who it's easy to text and say.. Hey, wanna come over? I am a pretty girl, who deserves the "in person ask out". So worrying is just a plain waste of energy knowing that. Why worry about a good thing?

Girls do silly things. Like get all emotional over nothing. What if there was a way to turn that off? Still no word from Jake, I want to let it drive me crazy. But I won't. There is something empowering about not caring. I have this sense of sexiness radiating around me. To call or text him and get all freaking emotional about it would be throwing that feeling out of the window. If he doesn't see me tonight.. He is the one missing out. I look pretty damn cute tonight. ;)

Trust

Simple. Right? Trust. How hard can it be to trust someone?

I am 24 years old, and I have never trusted anyone. My life has been filled with lies, whether the lies were mine or someone else's. Trust for me is near impossible. I don't trust people to a very self-destructive fault. 24 is a difficult age for me already - and it has only been 2 weeks. Something clicked for me this year. It's like I was reborn. I feel smarter, prettier, more comfortable with myself, and ready for a challenge. I think that challenge is going to be letting go of the need to control.

So far, jake has stormed into my life, and forced the idea of trust on me. I haven't liked that so much. I have been so used to controlling the relationship between JD and I that the idea of someone else being in control is terrifying. But I like it. I like the idea of taking a leap of faith. Some things are telling me he is trustworthy, and some things are telling me he isn't. This is where the trust comes into play. I have to fall backwards and hope that he is there to catch me. So many new things this year are on the horizon. Living on my own, dating someone I am madly head over heals for, trying new projects, and making new friends. This is something I can do. I can learn to trust. So, if I don't hear from him for a day or so, I can't panic. I need to relax and enjoy this. It could end up good, and it could end up bad. Right now it's good. Really good. I am excited to see what happens next.

It just can't be.

Perfection is only an illusion. It is an illusion we often try to create to seem uncomplicated and desirable. Who doesn't want to be seen that way? Available for any attractive opportunity that comes our way.. Why not? Illusions don't last. Eventually the fog fades and the sun comes out, and what seemed to be a real person, turns out to be an oddly shaped tree whose leaves whisper with the wind softly enough to sound like true words.

Jacob is not real. He simply can't be. I am extremely skeptical of everything. People don't usually ever end up being the very thing you dream up in your head every night before you go to sleep. Life doesn't allow those opportunities. I don't get those opportunities. I asked someone again today if he was married. Their answer was no. Which lead into a question of the implication of me asking that. Had I been seduced by a married/taken man? Yes.

My life isn't a fairy tale. The dark haired-blue eyed guy of my dreams doesn't show up in my favorite coffee shop in scrubs and a black hooded jacket. He doesn't spot me across the room and immediately come up to me. He will certainly never love Wait Wait Don't Tell Me, or Radio Lab. He will never love to read and theorize every piece of the the world that makes sense to him. He doesn't do silly fun things like box or fence just for the fun of it. He doesn't tell me I am beautiful or compliment my favorite shoes. He doesn't notice the way I bite my lips or push the hair out of my eyes. So, do I need to be medicated? He came in to my favorite coffee shop; he had blue eyes. He saw me, and drew near. He had scrubs on, he had a gentle voice and a contagiously adorable laugh. He sat in front of me and told me all about an episode of Radio Lab, and convinced me to give him my trust. He made my heart skip a beat when he told me I am beautiful and that he likes the way I radiate. He came in impressed my friends within minutes and played footsie with me while doing so. He tries.. to impress me. He theorizes little crazy things about life and he definitely loved my favorite shoes. He reads about crazy things, and he sees more in me then I see in myself. I do need medication, don't I? There is no real Jacob, is there?

He still has yet to ask me out on a date. Says he plays things slow. No text messages or phone calls. He just shows up. If he is real, and his only down side I won't talk to him until I see him, I can deal. I am here, at my favorite coffee shop, and I have to know that he won't be showing up today. I am not heart broken or waiting impatiently. Just here, with a little hope mixed in with a lot of worry about my mental stability.

The ability to breathe.

Sounds so simple right? Breathing? That is a natural phenomenon right? Try it. Take in a big deep breath. One, Two, Now let it out. Doesn't that feel good?

I radiate. He actually used the word radiate. Now I can't stop thinking about the possibility of it all. The wonder and excitement of dating someone who likes to travel, hike, read, sit at coffee shops, go to art shows, and watch a baseball game? Someone who thinks I am "pretty damn cute" the way I am now. It could be out there. It could be him. I've never been less nervous. Usually I stutter to the point of no return. Not there. Not in that conversation. Certainly not looking at those bright baby blues.

He won't be here tonight. Probably won't see him for a while, but that is good. I need to get my head straight. Finish my classes.. And figure out what I want.

I radiate. :-D

World of Confusion

Witty, Smart, Caring, Slightly insane. I have been described as these things and maybe more. Never as athletic or outdoorsy. JD, however, would be described as athletic, outdoorsy, and a sports guy. He's not a reader, yet he is trying to be. Doesn't like the music I listen to, and doesn't like talk radio. In ways this has been good because it keeps things interesting, we both step out of our boxes and try new and different things. However, it has been increasingly hard to talk to him about my interests with out getting frustrating or disappointed with his lack of effort in the conversation. Is this normal?

I recently met someone. He is a little older - mid 30's. I run into him every so often at Lux. We can hold a conversation for at least an hour.. At least meaning, it would be inappropriate to talk more than debates over radiolab or This American Life. It has been concerning me. Why can't I talk to JD like that? Jd is great, more than great, but he doesn't seem to understand me. Sometimes it really seems like he wants me to be someone different. Is it ok if I am just me? I haven't ever made myself out to be someone I am not. I don't want to be anyone else. If he can't except me now, will he later?

Its been these thoughts, and the lurking knowledge that most of the people in my church don't like me and don't invite me.. To anything. Jd and I barely have friends. I barely have friends. We only hang out with each other, and that is becoming... Depressing. How can I make him live like that? No friends because they all hate me?

The birthday is tomorrow.. And I am waiting in hope that I will have better thoughts than those I am having now. Goodnight.

Holiday - The all in one

I hate the month of December. My birthday, Christmas, and too much attention from family and friends who don't really care about me. It's torture. This year is different. My boyfriend swept me off to Minnesota for Thanksgiving. It snowed almost every day we were there. It was glorious. Thanksgiving was beautiful and delicious. We went for a walk in the snow even after dinner. Craft time was super fun, and I stitched a beautiful heart on to a pair of gloves. And then... The difference happened. Somehow with out even saying anything, Maggie knew. She knew that all of these years I have felt unnoticed and uncared for. Every birthday ends in tears, and every holiday ends in a fight or some sort of wound (emotional or physical). Maggie and Garry took us on a beautiful drive through the town my family grew up in, then we looked at lights on the main street of a town called Hudson. Dinner consisted of amazing Greek food, and presents from her and her brother's family. Jd and I decided to call this "ThanksBirthdayChristmas" My birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.. All in one weekend. I don't need anything else this year. I don't need presents, or a tree. I am just so grateful for what they gave me this year.

I want to move. I want to move so badly that it is crushing everything inside of me. I have no friends here. No one to call and talk to about stuff. Jd counts, but he can't last long in a conversation. I haven't been invited to one christmas party, besides my boyfriends gay roommates ugly christmas sweater party. Moving isn't going to solve any problem I have here with family, but it could give me an opportunity to be closer to people who love and understand me. It could give me and opportunity to make friends and be a part of something. I am stuck though. Jd will never move, and I have too much tied in with my job, my internship and school to just leave.