My hero.

I did it. AGAIN.

I stalked him... Sort of. I couldn't get a hold of him, and I had a terrible night (Jd sending me dozens of text messages calling me a whore and telling me I was the worst thing that ever happened to him. I was maddened, I was stressed out, and I was angered. So, I tried to call Jake, and when he didn't answer... I drove over there.

You see.. Here was my logic.. We are together, in a relationship of sorts, and if he showed up at my place needed a hug and some tears wiped away - I would be happy to be there. Here is where my logic wasn't - it was eleven - fucking - thirty at night. I had a huge glass of wine while taking a bath. And I was emotionally out of control.

When I got to his place, I was just planning on knocking if I saw a light on.. Driving home if I didn't. That's what I did. What I didn't expect - my alarmed "boyfriend" pulling a gun out of his safe and loading it in 10 seconds (and putting on pants) before unlocking the door - to be tired and confused and mildly irritated that I had cause such an alarming reaction.

It turned out well though, after the gun was put away. He calmed my saddness, my crazy, my nerves, and calmed me so much that I slept through the night effortlessly. He kissed me so much I thought my lips were going to fall off this morning. I looked sad for a moment so he made it his morning goal to kiss me happy. It worked. :)

He.Really.Just.Likes.Me.

To top all of this off.. The moment I began to doubt - to think.. Maybe he is going to think about how ridiculous I am for coming over at 11:30, scaring him, and then bursting into tears on his porch - and then just say... This chick is crazy man, I'm out. But right there, in that moment.. A text. I checked my phone... thinking it was Angie, and it wasn't. It was him. Telling me he hoped I had a better day.

Oh just stop it already.

So, I was talking to my grandmother tonight. Who pretty much flat out told me I am being ridiculous and dramatic. Um. Thanks Grandma. I was filling her in on everything. She of course asked about date night, and I told her everything. I believe my last sentence was - "I mean, we are doomed - you can't fall in - and out- and back into love in a year that is obnoxious. So, I'm just waiting for him to call me and say - I'm sorry - but it's over." This resulted in "Oh just stop it already - you are being ridiculous and dramatic. You're dating a goodlooking older guy who really likes you - just go with it."

Um, right? I think I may be setting up some sort of defense mechanisms to protect myself. By not getting overly excited or feeling super in love - I won't get as disappointed. But that doesn't always work - and it kind of kills the mood when I do see him. I'm not as eager or open to him. Am I ever going to just be able to go with it? Or am I going to be torturing myself?

Grandma has a point. I guess I need to learn how to do this whole "going with it thing".

Is Jacob working tonight?

I've said it before, and I will say it again. Dating someone inside of a community setting that you are always in, is a strange beast. I was just asked twice whether or not Jake was working tonight, or planning on coming into Lux. Whether Jake says so or not - I am his girlfriend. Everyone here has already granted me that title.

I am tired tonight. My body is sore and my mind is fried - so forgive me for any rants that occur.

Last night was a perfect night. Jake showed up in nice jeans - a black button-down shirt and a tie. A freaking tie. How damn adorable is that? It was sweet, it was a genuine gesture of how much he thought about the date and the effort he put into it. :) We walked over to dinner - the cute pizza place right by my house, and had a great evening. The conversation started out depressing - he was talking about his parents near death experiences and his Aunt who needs help. I tried to give as much input as I could, but he is a lot older and at a completely different life stage than me. Eventually the conversation flipped to him and us and what we are. This all came about because I mentioned something about how I feel he withholds a lot of his life from me. This got into a whole conversation over why he withholds. Apparently every instinct I had about him was right - all the good and all the bad. I knew he couldn't have had amazing intentions with me, and he didn't. He has been in a series of relationships - each of which he sabotages by the 3rd date. He didn't think he would like me as much as does. I also knew that the connection we had was real and genuine. I knew he was a good guy, but didn't want to care about me - much less any other girl.

Every gut feeling I have had about him has been dead on. Crazy right?

Well the conversation continued. He offended me accidentally by saying that I always look at him like I want more from him. I went off. I was beyond upset. I have done everything in power to show him the exact opposite. I have been patient, kept my mouth shut, held back from texting/calling him to give him space, and I've never asked for anything more than him to do what he says he will. So yeah, I was fucking pissed. I felt like everything I had been trying so hard to do was a waste of time and energy. He immediately apologized. He felt terrible. He said that wasn't what he meant. It just seemed like I wanted more of a commitment out of him. My response? No. I don't. The only thing I wanted from him was honestly, reliability, and fun. I have never expected to even be with him this long. I enjoy every second of time that I get with him. I mean what could I tell him? It was the truth. He is the mash to my potato and I would give up everything in the world to spend a little more time with him. Do I expect more? No. Do I want more? No, but only because the more I get from him the more severely broken my heart is going to be when this is all said and done. We won't last. He won't fall in love with me. And I am well aware of that. Sad? Sadistic? Maybe. But maybe it's as hopelessly romantic as you can get.

He seemed happier, even more relaxed than he ever has been after our talk. Me on the on the other hand - I felt terrified. The guy was in love with someone for two years ( that was a year ago), and has been dating random girls off and on ever since then. Sleeping with God knows how many women. I am a fucking idiot. He is never going to stay with me. I need to keep evaluating things. It's hard because I can't just withdraw with out him noticing. He sees everything. It would just hurt him and cause more problems than solutions. I am on his side, and I want good for him - I want him to be happy so much that I am willing to compromise my own happiness in the process. I really am crazy.

Finally.

I am finally allowing myself to be excited. Sitting here at Lux, I am officially stoked. I have a date tonight. My date is planning everything. I look ever so good, and I am finally relaxed and excited. He's proving himself little by little. Proving to be reliable, proving to be good, proving that he really likes me.

So I am excited. So excited that my stomach is doing flips. Trying to decide what to wear and how to do my hair. I am nervous, but only because I can't wait to spend time with him. No idea what we are doing tonight either. I only know that tonight... it's us.

The Best Feeling Ever.

So, I had a teensy weensy melt down the other night. I thought I was going to have more of a melt down, but It wasn't that bad for once. I was frustrated - mostly because I missed the nose kisses, the "jerk-ass" jokes, and Jake's hands brushing the hair out of my eyes. Jake seems to have this uncanny ability to hold on to his idea of me and our relationship - the passion, the care, and the closeness - for days - maybe over a week. I can't. After day 4, I am usually trying to remember whether or not he still likes me.

So this little meltdown started over nothing... And it snowballed. I only cried once, and I stayed super focused at work - so really I did well. I am still second guessing though.

Last night though, getting his text messages, hearing how much he missed me, and having him almost attack me when he walked in the door (hugging, smelling, kissing me) was the best. Watching him devour the pie I made him, cuddling up close to him all night, and waking up to a perfectly beautiful windy day was amazing. It was more than I could have ever asked for. We layed there snuggled up in bed, under the covers, with the windows wide open, listening to the wind blow, and not saying anything. It was great. It was the best feeling ever. SO relaxed, so perfectly fitting. It didn't even bother me when he left ever so quickly. He left with the promise of a date tomorrow.

We are growing. We are growing so much, and we fit together so well.. It's comforting. It's exciting. I still think he is going to break my heart.. But I don't think that will happen anytime soon. He may be my Cary Grant.. But I seem to be the Audrey to his charm.

Can't Walk the Walk - Don't Talk the Talk.

I hate it when people tell me they will do something, and then they don't. Absolutely hate it. Whether you are my best friend, that cute guy I am seeing, or my mother - just don't do it. I won't make plans with you, or tell you I will call if I am not planning on it. It's a rarity if it happens, and when it does I always call and apologize profusely. It doesn't matter what the circumstances or situation is - if you bail on someone and don't call to apologize then you flat out show that person that they mean nothing to you. Their existence in your life is merely dependent on whether or not something else better comes along - like a pair of shoes or other plans.

I am tired of this happening in my life. I fear that I may have to let go of the Cary Grant I thought I found and a few close friends to save myself from being hurt. I don't want flaky, shallow people in my life. Period.

Jake is a great guy. He is funny, witty, charming, irresistible, and very fun to be around, BUT I can't take another cancel or forgotten phone call. I won't. I have had a lot of disappointment with people in my life and I make it clear to those around me that I expect you to do what you say. I always clarify as well - "Ok, so I will hear from you tomorrow" or "Ok, so Wednesday at 8 O'clock right?". Jake is supposed to call tonight. I have no idea if he will or won't. If he doesn't, then I am done. No more phone calls or texts from me playing "Mrs iCal." I shouldn't have to remind a grown man of what he said he would do. I swear - he is amazing in every other way shape and form. He's just so flaky that I can't seem to enjoy him when he is in front of me. It causes so much insecurity and questions for me. Like does he really care? or am I just that girl that he's sleeping with and pretending to date so he can get my amazing enchiladas and some quirky entertainment?

I need to be strong. Stronger than I have been. I've learned a lot in the last few years, a lot about myself, relationships, and being a genuinely good person. I refuse to compromise any of that. So. there it is. We are supposed to spend all day Monday together, and I can promise you that will not happen if there is no call tonight - unless I receive a huge apology within 24 hours. I am reasonable, sweet, and caring - I just don't want to be walked on either.

Goodbye...

So, I was at lux last night. Just like any other night. Kristen came and met me here. I brought Ronnie some left over Postino's and joked with Sammy about his hatred for tomatoes. Just as I was telling Kristen that I couldn't possibly be any happier.. He walked in. My heart stopped for a second. It's like in the 8 hours that I hadn't seen him, I some how forgot how handsome he is.

Jake's face at me was priceless.. I was the only girl in that coffee shop he wanted to see and the grin on his face showed explicitly. Kristen left just after, and he came right over and sat down next to me. greeted me with a sweet kiss, and said "Well.. I am off to California.."

WHAT?! My heart dropped for a second. Family issues with his brother's family needed attention and he was dropping everything to fly out there for a week or so and help. He is such a good and sweet guy. I just smiled and kissed him. Told him we better make out like highschoolers in the parking lot before he left, and we did. I asked if he would call in a few days and he kissed my nose and said it would be sooner.

Couple of notable things here:

#1. He's is incredibly handsome.

#2. He's good. Genuinely good.

#3. The nose kisses are the best thing in the world.

#4. I love making out like teenagers in the Lux parking lot.

#5. I am actually comfortable, not nervous or scared FOR THE FIRST time with a guy I am dating leaving town.

#6. Impressed. I am impressed with him. He is impressed with me for that matter.

#7. The feeling of everyone at lux knowing that we are dating is actually pretty darn nice.

#8. I really am VERY happy.

The Bells Are Ringing.

If you haven't seen the old 1960's movie the Bell's are ringing... You need to go rent it immediately. My great granddad used to watch it with me when I was super little. Judy Holiday is absolutely silly and captivating at the same time. I've never watched this movie with anyone, until last night.

He wanted to watch it. In fact, he insisted. It was perfect. We had a romantic dinner. I lit candles and had on a very cute black dress. I made my most favorite meal, creamy cheesy chicken enchiladas. After dinner, he lifted me up onto the counter top, and we kissed. He told me how sweet I was, and how delicious my cooking is. He convinced me to watch the movie with him, and he loved it. He had fun with it, and saw what it was about - this movie that captivated me. We talked for hours after the movie. Joking about silly words or phrases we each use. I told him that Ronnie and I call him the Lux Pick-up artist, which he enjoyed.

Jake asked me something this morning that made me almost leap out of my own skin. "Are you real? Cause I feel like you are some kind of an illusion I dreamed up - so are you? Real?" It's countless how many times I have asked myself and others that about him. Is he real? Does he really exist? Now, he is asking himself the same thing? We are such a match. We fit together so well it is unrealistic. I am falling. Even deeper, even further. And I just can't help it.

Just Right.

So, my new apartment is set up - almost. I still have a table to put together. But that is the last thing pretty much... Besides MASSIVE amounts of laundry and a few necessities to buy. I love it though. It is perfect.

Speaking of perfect... Jake and I had the most amazing night/day. We spent the most time we have ever spent together. It was great - it was more than great. He came over a little late for dinner/dessert. I made homemade pizza/peach cobbler. As soon as we were done eating, we poured some wine and relaxed together on the couch - reading Cosmo. It was so relaxing and just felt SO good. We slept almost all day. Getting up to read, kiss, stretch or talk. It was the best. It's what I have been wanting so badly - and it just happened organically. No pressure, no pushing, no begging or trying to arrange it. It just happened. We finally got up and got going. We went to lunch/dinner and he helped me put some chairs together then left. It was great really.

All the fear I have had before has melted away. Organic. That's just it. This is growing. He likes it. I like it. And it is important that I relax and not think too much about it. He's giving me what he has got right now, and that is quite alright with me. I need the space too, and he knows that. I am growing and loving who I am becoming. Not seeing him all the time or hearing from him all the time - yet knowing I can call/text if I want - is good. I can keep my relationships with my girlfriends, work out, and do my own stuff. Which is just right.

Impatient.

This whole thing is crazy. Well, I am crazy. I can’t stop thinking about him. His smile, his laugh, his kisses, his hugs, his voice, his smell, how adorable he looks in scrubs and how delicious he looks in jeans. I can’t help it. He has stolen my thoughts and laid claim on part of my heart (discovered by the way my heart stops when I see him and then beats extraordinarily fast when he draws near). I hate the way I second-guess him. I hate the way I second-guess myself. I am pretty, smart, fun, quirky, and enticing. He is crazy about me: he loves the way I kiss him. He loves the way I smell. He loves the way we fit so well together.

So why, if I know all of that, why do I put myself through hell when he’s not around? Why do I question everything? Where is my confidence as a woman? I have a crazy passion to make this work. I fell for this guy the second his eyes met mine. A small part of me wants him to break my heart. Another small part of me can see us moving in together and spending evenings going to Lux and sharing crazy hospital stories. The rest of me doesn’t know what to think, and that is the part I pay most attention to. It is easier that way – not expecting. I don’t expect him to hurt me – but I also don’t expect it to work.

Without hearing from him, without knowing, it’s hard for me. The way my mind works – I dwell, I analyze, I obsess. I end up thinking that I said or did something wrong and that he will hate me forever for it. Not seeing him for days at a time makes me wild, but passionately wild. I get excited to see him, and seeing him by surprise is the absolute best.

So, I just need to be. Just be me. Just hang out, and enjoy life. That isn’t hard is it? Just relaxing and going with the flow? Being ok with it when I don’t see him and excited when I do. It’s heartbreaking and intoxicating for me all at once. Sitting here at lux, I can’t help but turn my head every time the door opens. I want it to be him. I want him to come in here, kiss me, and tell me how much he’s missed my face.

This whole thing feels kind of like learning to run. At first it is so hard and you psych yourself out. You keep thinking “I can’t do this. I can’t breathe, I can’t even pick my legs up again. I can’t.” But little by little you start realizing that you can do it. It gets less and less hard. I hope that is what this turns out to be. I don’t mind learning to run. I don’t mind the struggle and the strife for a little while, as long as I know that it does get better – And I sincerely hope that it does.

The Visit.

Jake came and visited me in my corner last night. It was actually quite entertaining because I was in the middle of breaking into my future apartment. He said he missed me about 8 times and then said he would see me soon.

I loved the call. I appreciated it so much. I was glowing afterwards. Until. I saw her. I went into Lux to see Ron and Sammy, they had some crazy application to show me. I made a couple of jokes about Jake and neither of them really said anything. I kind of thought that was strange until I turned around and there sat his ex.

Before I saw her, I had sent him a text. I quickly said - Didn't get arrested, yet. :) Safe and Sound - Thanks for calling. You are SO mean. ;)

The hard part about all of this is the not texting back. That is what eventually drives me insane. I somehow can't let it - or I need to just not text him. So now we play a little waiting game. Hopefully nothing I said was wrong or ridiculous, and I am sure it wasn't. Hopefully Ron, Sammie, or Nita didn't text him about me talking about him in front of her - which I swear to GOD I had no idea of until after I spouted my mouth off. Well.. Off to the Gym. I can't sit here and squander.

Nerous.

So, I think the fact that I talk to much about things to other people really screws up my judgement. I haven't said a thing to anyone in the last 4 days besides Callie calming me down for a few when Jake cancelled on me Thursday.

I think it helps to keep the talking to a minimum. I think about it less, and then when I type it out or run it out, I think a little more clearly about everything. I don't jump to as many crazy conclusions. Pretty much everything my instincts have guessed at has been right. I think I really do need to take a couple pages out of Jake's little book. Maybe he needs to learn how to decompartmentalize a little and I need to learn how to compartmentalize a little. I don't know if that is a girl capable quality though. so we shall find out.

The Hater Club

So, it's kind of a known fact that Jacob and Jessica are a LUX item. This has put an interesting spin of events on my LUX experience. I get smirks from a few of the locals who have seen me and Jake making out like high-schoolers in the parking lot or in his truck. I get curious looks from a few of his closer friends. I get teased constantly by most of the baristas. And I also get extremely jealous and territorial grimaces from a few females who just happen have liked Jacob at one point or another. I am sitting here now, and ever since Jake and I have been making it more obvious that we are "a thing", one of the local girls that used to be sweet on him has been making a point to glare at me every time she walks by. There is a certain girl who works here - that absolutely hates me. She used to like me, but curiously she ran into me and Jake on a date and it's been hell ever since. Ever time I come in now, she turns her smile upside down and just about grinds her teeth.

I find it amusing. I mean, it's a little annoying.. but women are so territorial. If a girl dates someone - her friends better not even think about going there or there will be hell to pay. Why is that? Can't people just do what their heart desires? Jake is happy. I've never really seen him unhappy (except after and 18 hour shift). If that is the case - you know a great guy that you would love to date - but he is seeing someone that makes him "smile randomly through out the day" when he thinks about another girl - and you get angry, bitter, and snotty about his happiness and hers - then A. You are not a nice person. And B. You probably really don't care about that guy as much as you would like to believe.

This is still my home. It's my favorite and it always will be. I just find it slightly entertaining how people react to a new relationship in the community.

Honesty.

So, today, Jake and I were cuddling, and we got on the subject of... him. I asked him to look at me and said, "Thank you, Thank you for communicating with me and being honest. It's sweet of you and it's appreciated." His response? "Don't get used to it, I'm mean." We then discussed this in depth. I said yesterday that he has told me before that he has driven women crazy. He brought that up again. You know what I said? "I know. And I know why. I get you more than you think."

The look on his face was one for the books. It will forever be stored in my brain. When asked to explain my intriguing claim, I simply said "You for one reason or the other - and there are two reasons - don't want anything to do with love or commitment. Let's say your life is a house - you have a space for everything. Majority of your house is made up of alone time and work. Then you have friends - people you've let in that you make time for quickly and easily. Mom and dad are on your priority list. And then, tucked away in a closet or drawer somewhere is the relationship part. You keep it there, to keep the rest of your space to it's simplest state. It keeps you in control, minimal mess, and minimal hurt if it goes wrong. I get that, and because I get it - me showing up at your house Monday is about as crazy as it's going to get. I have a little corner in your simple world - and hopefully I will earn enough of your trust that you will let me into other spaces." I didn't even ask if I was right. He just looked at me as if I had seen right into his mind. After a few moments of staring blankly at me, he kissed my forehead, laughed, and claimed that he's been enlarging my corner. Me: "Yes, you have - and that's what I was thanking you for. I am not going to push you. I don't want to change you or fix you. You aren't broken, and I'm sweet on you enough to be patient." He smiled bigger than I have ever seen him smile, and then we had to get up and get going. I had to go intern at the hospital - and he had to go work.

As he kissed me goodbye, he noticed a change in my face - and suddenly got very concerned. "Hey, look at me - you're sad? What's wrong??" I was aware that my face was portraying the inner workings of my mind, but I brushed it off. I said it wasn't anything and kissed him goodbye. The sadness that he noticed came from a thought - I can't really get excited. The euphoria is gone. I have fallen for him, and not knowing when I will see him again is hard, and discouraging and scary. I'm scared. I got scared - right there - hugging him - and he saw it. I cried the whole way to the hospital, sucked it up and went it - life has to go on.

It wasn't just fear of him, it was a fear of my life right now. I am moving out on my own in a week. 4 friends that I know just got engaged. I've still been processing breaking up with JD. Nursing, CNA, school, work. I have more than enough to think about - you add in meeting the man I've dreamed about my whole life to that equation - and it could be a disaster if it goes south at the wrong time.

Minutes after I left - he sent me a text. "You seemed very sad when you left.. I'm worried. Did I say something to upset you?? I like you - have a goodnight." I saw this text right after he sent it - it was 6:20pm. At 9:57pm I got another text "Hey - no answer. Really did something upset you?" He cared, and for some reason, it made it harder to write him back. I was tired at this point. Emotions running through your head and a lack of sleep creates a treacherous obstacle course for your mind. I wrote him back at 11:47. Told him "Hey - I thought you were supposed to be mean? :) No, you didn't say anything wrong. Something crossed my wandering mind and I let myself get caught up in a thought. Sorry to worry you. Busy night though - see you soon?" He quickly responded. "Absolutely."

He's letting me in. Little by little. I am honestly excited, but scared to death. Something about this entire affair makes me think back to Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy. I hate that book. She falls in love with this younger attractive soldier - leaves her husband and carries on this affair with him. He eventually leaves her out of guilt and then she throws herself in front of a train. Love is messy. Love is scary. Maybe Jake has the right idea - keep it tucked away and let it out in pieces.