I am tired tonight. My body is sore and my mind is fried - so forgive me for any rants that occur.
Last night was a perfect night. Jake showed up in nice jeans - a black button-down shirt and a tie. A freaking tie. How damn adorable is that? It was sweet, it was a genuine gesture of how much he thought about the date and the effort he put into it. :) We walked over to dinner - the cute pizza place right by my house, and had a great evening. The conversation started out depressing - he was talking about his parents near death experiences and his Aunt who needs help. I tried to give as much input as I could, but he is a lot older and at a completely different life stage than me. Eventually the conversation flipped to him and us and what we are. This all came about because I mentioned something about how I feel he withholds a lot of his life from me. This got into a whole conversation over why he withholds. Apparently every instinct I had about him was right - all the good and all the bad. I knew he couldn't have had amazing intentions with me, and he didn't. He has been in a series of relationships - each of which he sabotages by the 3rd date. He didn't think he would like me as much as does. I also knew that the connection we had was real and genuine. I knew he was a good guy, but didn't want to care about me - much less any other girl.
Every gut feeling I have had about him has been dead on. Crazy right?
Well the conversation continued. He offended me accidentally by saying that I always look at him like I want more from him. I went off. I was beyond upset. I have done everything in power to show him the exact opposite. I have been patient, kept my mouth shut, held back from texting/calling him to give him space, and I've never asked for anything more than him to do what he says he will. So yeah, I was fucking pissed. I felt like everything I had been trying so hard to do was a waste of time and energy. He immediately apologized. He felt terrible. He said that wasn't what he meant. It just seemed like I wanted more of a commitment out of him. My response? No. I don't. The only thing I wanted from him was honestly, reliability, and fun. I have never expected to even be with him this long. I enjoy every second of time that I get with him. I mean what could I tell him? It was the truth. He is the mash to my potato and I would give up everything in the world to spend a little more time with him. Do I expect more? No. Do I want more? No, but only because the more I get from him the more severely broken my heart is going to be when this is all said and done. We won't last. He won't fall in love with me. And I am well aware of that. Sad? Sadistic? Maybe. But maybe it's as hopelessly romantic as you can get.
He seemed happier, even more relaxed than he ever has been after our talk. Me on the on the other hand - I felt terrified. The guy was in love with someone for two years ( that was a year ago), and has been dating random girls off and on ever since then. Sleeping with God knows how many women. I am a fucking idiot. He is never going to stay with me. I need to keep evaluating things. It's hard because I can't just withdraw with out him noticing. He sees everything. It would just hurt him and cause more problems than solutions. I am on his side, and I want good for him - I want him to be happy so much that I am willing to compromise my own happiness in the process. I really am crazy.
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