The look on his face was one for the books. It will forever be stored in my brain. When asked to explain my intriguing claim, I simply said "You for one reason or the other - and there are two reasons - don't want anything to do with love or commitment. Let's say your life is a house - you have a space for everything. Majority of your house is made up of alone time and work. Then you have friends - people you've let in that you make time for quickly and easily. Mom and dad are on your priority list. And then, tucked away in a closet or drawer somewhere is the relationship part. You keep it there, to keep the rest of your space to it's simplest state. It keeps you in control, minimal mess, and minimal hurt if it goes wrong. I get that, and because I get it - me showing up at your house Monday is about as crazy as it's going to get. I have a little corner in your simple world - and hopefully I will earn enough of your trust that you will let me into other spaces." I didn't even ask if I was right. He just looked at me as if I had seen right into his mind. After a few moments of staring blankly at me, he kissed my forehead, laughed, and claimed that he's been enlarging my corner. Me: "Yes, you have - and that's what I was thanking you for. I am not going to push you. I don't want to change you or fix you. You aren't broken, and I'm sweet on you enough to be patient." He smiled bigger than I have ever seen him smile, and then we had to get up and get going. I had to go intern at the hospital - and he had to go work.
As he kissed me goodbye, he noticed a change in my face - and suddenly got very concerned. "Hey, look at me - you're sad? What's wrong??" I was aware that my face was portraying the inner workings of my mind, but I brushed it off. I said it wasn't anything and kissed him goodbye. The sadness that he noticed came from a thought - I can't really get excited. The euphoria is gone. I have fallen for him, and not knowing when I will see him again is hard, and discouraging and scary. I'm scared. I got scared - right there - hugging him - and he saw it. I cried the whole way to the hospital, sucked it up and went it - life has to go on.
It wasn't just fear of him, it was a fear of my life right now. I am moving out on my own in a week. 4 friends that I know just got engaged. I've still been processing breaking up with JD. Nursing, CNA, school, work. I have more than enough to think about - you add in meeting the man I've dreamed about my whole life to that equation - and it could be a disaster if it goes south at the wrong time.
Minutes after I left - he sent me a text. "You seemed very sad when you left.. I'm worried. Did I say something to upset you?? I like you - have a goodnight." I saw this text right after he sent it - it was 6:20pm. At 9:57pm I got another text "Hey - no answer. Really did something upset you?" He cared, and for some reason, it made it harder to write him back. I was tired at this point. Emotions running through your head and a lack of sleep creates a treacherous obstacle course for your mind. I wrote him back at 11:47. Told him "Hey - I thought you were supposed to be mean? :) No, you didn't say anything wrong. Something crossed my wandering mind and I let myself get caught up in a thought. Sorry to worry you. Busy night though - see you soon?" He quickly responded. "Absolutely."
He's letting me in. Little by little. I am honestly excited, but scared to death. Something about this entire affair makes me think back to Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy. I hate that book. She falls in love with this younger attractive soldier - leaves her husband and carries on this affair with him. He eventually leaves her out of guilt and then she throws herself in front of a train. Love is messy. Love is scary. Maybe Jake has the right idea - keep it tucked away and let it out in pieces.
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